


Don't Take Captain Jack to Staples

by Amjead



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Humor, M/M, Office Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-04
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-02-03 10:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1741763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amjead/pseuds/Amjead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Jack goes to an office supply store. [Breathing intensifies.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Take Captain Jack to Staples

Captain Jack Harkness was bored. The hub was quiet. There was nothing to do except...

"Ianto.” Jack paged him over his earpiece. In a moment, the coffee boy was standing in his boss's office.

“Yes, sir?” Ianto asked.

“What are you up to?” Jack questioned.

“I was just on my way to the store, sir. I need to get a few things.”

Jack thought this over and said, “Great. I'm coming with you.” Ianto went to intervene, but Jack cut him off.

“No disagreeing. I'm coming too. It'll be fun.” With that, the two men got into the Torchwood SUV and they were on their way.

“So, what are we getting?” asked Jack. “Bread, eggs, and milk?” Ianto chuckled.

“No,” said Ianto. “Wrong store. We're almost out of ink. So, I'll need to get some of that. Also, I'm looking for a new mouse for my computer. I want to compare prices. Oh, and the store's having a sale on notebooks. I'd like to get one or two.” Ianto hadn't noticed that a good bit of blood had rushed into his companion's face. Jack stared at Ianto with his eyes as big as saucers and his mouth hanging open in wonder.

“Oh my God,” said Jack. “Don't tell me. Are we going to...?”

Yes. They were going to exactly where Jack thought they were going. Once they got there, Jack had to just stop, stare, and breathe heavily. The building's red exterior matched the flush of Ianto's cheeks whenever Jack kissed him. The clean plastic smell from the interior of the store wafted outside. It reminded Jack of a fresh box of condoms. They were at a place Jack had only dreamed of going to. They were at Staples.

They went inside and Jack had to keep himself from shouting. Everywhere he looked there was office supplies. It was so exhilarating.

Jack took a deep breath in and said to Ianto, “It smells like condoms in here. I'm so excited. I may have to sit down.”

Ianto was already regretting having Jack with him, but he tried to be as supportive as possible.

Ianto gestured to an office chair and said, “There's plenty of chairs around the store. So, you'll have a spot to sit if you really need it.”

“Oh my God,” said Jack. “Picture this: I'm sitting in one of these chairs. You're standing in front of me. I start slowly spinning and every time I spin back around you've taken off another piece of clothing. How does that sound?” Jack looked at Ianto with an excited grin.

Ianto shot back a you-can't-be-serious face and said, “I'm going to go find ink.”

“Ok,” said Jack. “Just think about it.”

While Ianto was looking through the ink boxes, Jack had wandered away. He didn't stay away for too long though. He came back with a big box of pens.

“Ianto. Ianto, look at this,” said Jack. “There's 100 pens in this box.” Then, Jack got close to Ianto's ear and whispered, “How many of these can you fit up your butt?” Ianto dropped the box he was holding and turned to look at Jack. He stared at him incredulously.

“Who on Earth asks these kinds of questions?” Ianto asked irritatedly. Jack was confused by Ianto's apparent irritation.

“I ask these kinds of questions,” Jack replied in a matter-of-fact way. Ianto took a deep breath, picked up the box he was holding before, and went to look for a computer mouse.

As Ianto was comparing prices, Jack was looking at a beautiful, solid oak desk. The wood was shiny and varnished. Also, it had a nice, clean smell. Jack was salivating over it. He called Ianto over. He had to see this.

“Look at this desk,” Jack said as Ianto rejoined him.

Ianto knocked on the wood and said, “Yes. It is a lovely desk. Come on now. I still have things to buy.”

“Lay down on it,” Jack instructed.

“Wh-what? Why?” Ianto stammered.

“Well, there's only one reason you would get a desk like this,” said Jack as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Ianto rolled his eyes.

“No. There are lots of reasons people get nice desks.”

“My reason's the best,” Jack protested. “Come on, Ianto. Lay down on it. I wanna see how you'd look.”

“Jack, you're being ridiculous. I'm getting a notebook and then we're leaving.”

Ianto looked through all of the notebooks that were on sale. His diary's pages were starting to fill up. He needed a new one. There were a lot of appealing notebooks. Some of them even had nice designs on them. He spotted one he liked on the bottom shelf. It was black and said, “I love coffee. I love tea.” in red letters. Ianto thought it was cute. So, he decided that this was the one to get.

Ianto bent down to get it, but then- _Smack!_

“Ow!” Something hit Ianto across the ass. He looked up and found Jack next to him. “What was that?” Ianto asked him. Jack showed him the ruler in his hand.

“It's a ruler,” said Jack. “I'm getting it for the sole reason of paddling and you can't stop me.” There was something resembling minor defiance in his voice. What a weirdo. Ianto sighed again. Sometimes he couldn’t believe the immaturity of this man.

Ianto bent down again, picked up the notebook, and said, “We're going.”

Ianto handed the cashier the box of ink, the computer mouse, and the notebook. Lucky for him, there was no one in line in front of him. Thank God. He just wanted this errand to be over. However, he didn't realize that he would have to wait for Jack to finish checking out. He handed the cashier the 100 count box of pens and the ruler.

Then Jack said to her, “I'm also interested in purchasing a chair and a desk.” Ianto rubbed his eyes in frustration. Why? Why was this imbecile the man he loved?

On the way home, Jack talked excitedly about his purchases.

“I'm so glad I decided to run errands with you. I can't wait for that desk to get delivered tomorrow. Hey, Ianto?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing the rest of the day?” Ianto thought this over.

“I'm not sure. I don't have anything specific to do,” Ianto reported.

“Great,” said Jack. “I'll send the others home early. You can help me break in my new office supplies.” he laughed wickedly. Ianto didn't say anything. He merely mused over the fact that he was going to find out exactly how many pens he could fit in his butt.

**Author's Note:**

> I just really want to do a Captain Jack cosplay photo shoot at an office supply store. That would be hilarious. Feel free to follow me on tumblr: followallthefandoms


End file.
